Agitation

I woke up this morning feeling like a troll. I haven’t been showering. I spent much of yesterday intentionally absorbed in other worlds and times. No yoga means my lazy posture is back. And I had onions on my sandwich yesterday.

My sleep pattern is tricky again. Rather, I find it difficult to let go of the day when a responsible bedtime rolls around. So I don’t, despite knowing that if I am not asleep before midnight, the next day will be lost. Somehow, I convince myself that it’s okay not to fall asleep just yet, even as I lament my lack of productivity that day and make (over)ambitious plans for tomorrow.

It is difficult to make healthy decisions. But being aware of this does not mean I make better decisions. I am just aware of how weak I am as I am arguing myself out of practicing yoga, or eating half a bag of corn chips before dinner. Self- control is eroding.

Somehow, I am even more socially inept than usual. (How is that possible?!) Or maybe it’s just increased paranoia that makes any interaction more fraught. I couldn’t even finish cognitive function testing last week without becoming combative with the test administrator. I have been ordering our groceries for my partner to pick up because I cannot manage my head in a crowd for the time it takes to select my groceries.

I can’t place the origin of my descent into whatever state this is. The school-to-summer transition. Change in routine. Limited time to myself. Anniversary of my father’s death.

Or maybe my withdrawal from the world is a preemptive correction of the agitation and potential mania of summertime. When the temperature rises, my blood begins to boil. Historically, I would drink more wine and tequila. We do this, don’t we—us folks with bipolar—to suppress rising feelings of agitation. We think we’re putting out the flames but we are lighting a fire within that spawns uncontrollable rage. I no longer drink alcohol. But these days I wish I could. This, combined with my current tendency to make unhealthy decisions, is a scary headspace to be in.

It seems that only a month ago I felt differently about myself. I liked myself. Things made more sense. I had a purpose. I had ideas and plans, and I could even remember some of them. And now, this. And from where? Very likely it is just my natural cycle. And no medication is sufficient to disrupt this cycle, it seems. Though I do sense that there is a net just above rock bottom that wasn’t there before. Perhaps that will break this fall, though there is every possibility that I will simply get tangled in it.

Alone. This neuro-eccentricity can make us so alone. Of course it sets us apart, but in such a state as this, when even accessing ourselves is a struggle, we are incapable of connecting with others. And, as connection is central to mental health, it seems mental illness is inevitable.

After half a year of wellness, my neuro-eccentricity is revealing my limits to me once again. And I am hoping that my family and I can survive it this time.

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