returning

Yes, I have been away from this for some time. Far away, it seems, from thinking and writing and reflecting. I suppose I’ve just been living. There is something to be said for just living—without cataloging experiences. After all, neither Jesus nor Buddha left behind any written record of their experiences.

I have done a lot of living in these past months. Discovering (a diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder for my daughter), realizing (the likelihood that I too am on the spectrum), laughing (I seem to have developed a strange guffaw that I at least had never noticed before taking lamotrigine). Oh, and working. I mean, outside the home.

Yes, this has been one of the curious developments of transitioning from lithium to lamotrigine. I have more energy and more interest in what’s going on outside my head.

I am working with children with special needs. And learning a lot about myself and my daughter at the same time. My social ineptitude is no better—in fact, it’s probably worse from my being out of practice. And so my relationships with my colleagues are incredibly trying for me (and very likely for them too). I seem to always be relying on the patience, understanding, and forgiveness of others.

But I love the children. I can be silly with them, and they are all really crap at this whole social thing too because they haven’t yet learned the code. I am completely incapable of understanding the code, and so the children and I have much more in common than you might think at first glance.

The unfortunate part of this whole enterprise is that I still have that voice in the back of my head that says I’m not good enough. No, that’s too gentle. It says that I’m bad for the children. Bad for my colleagues. That I don’t belong, and I never will. That everyone is just being polite but would really prefer that I go away. And sometimes it says that everyone hates me and is laughing at me behind my back.

So, yeah, in that climate it’s been hard to make friends. Luckily, I had given up on making and keeping friends a long time ago. (It is a rare and special person who will maintain a relationship with someone who is very bad at being a good friend. There are one or two of these special people in my life. So, I do have a couple of friends by their grace.)

Anyway, just keeping my head above water has taken all the energy I would have used on reflection. Hence, the separation.

But then the Coronavirus situation…

That is an issue deserving of its own space.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s